Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize