Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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