There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
