I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
