I didn't shave. On purpose
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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