Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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