I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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