Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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