Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
