Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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