its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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