i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
