You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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