ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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