Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
