You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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