it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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