today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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