I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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