The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize