Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
