before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize