am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
