I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
