that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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