if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
