the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
