Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
