So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
