just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize