she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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