I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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