Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
