he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
