Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You need a sexual gate keeper
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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