just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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