alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize