i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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