I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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