We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
