I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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