All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
