I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
