one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize