even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
