Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
