On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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