he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize