Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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