i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
