I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
It's official drugs can't kill me
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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