This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
