Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
