Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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