Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
