if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize