how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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