And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
