Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I can't turn off my feet"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
