How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
