My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
