there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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