I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
