This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
